~The thoughts of my heart~

I did not plan to write this post tonight.  But there is some tugging going on in my heart and I can’t ignore the tugs.  I feel like I need to write my heart story down.  So this post is not the fluffy birth story/birthday post that I intended to write.  It won’t even have any pictures but there will be fluff later this week.  So if you don’t really want to read a story of struggles and heaviness, you can skip this post.  It won’t hurt my feelings, I promise. ;)

Let me start with this question:  why am I writing this post?  I really don’t know.  Maybe it is for me and only for me.  You know how when someone upsets you and you write a letter but never give it to them?  And somehow that makes you feel a little better?  Maybe that’s what this post is.  Or maybe it’s my way of opening up to others.  I can close myself off from people.  I am a bit of a do-it-yourselfer and tend to not want to trouble others.  So maybe it’s my way of asking for help…prayers from the prayer warriors who may stumble upon this post or heartfelt prayers from friends and family who I know read here. 

So what am I rambling on and on about? 

My heart…

And not the heart murmur that I have either.  But the condition…the spiritual condition of my heart. 

I have to take you back a few years and give a little background for you to know where I’m going here but these past two years have been tough.  TOUGH   Our family has been through so much and it has taken a toll on my attitude, my actions, and my thoughts.  I won’t go into details but I will say that these past two years have felt like a downward spiral.  And every time I try to stand up from being pushed down by some unseen hand, I have felt like I was immediately pushed back down again. 

And I’ve thought -

Is it depression?  And I truly don’t believe it is because I’ve been through post partum depression and this has been very different.

Is it a mid-life crisis?  It’s no secret that I only have one year left until I turn 40.  40!  And I’m not a pessimist but I do realize that means that my life is about half way over if, Lord willing, I am given another 40 or so years.  I can’t help but become reflective of what I still need to do and of dreams that I want to see come to fruition.  See?  Mid-life crisis!

Or is it spiritual warfare?  That is a good possibility too. 

So these past two years have been such a struggle for me…actually for my entire family.  David and I are so tired – physically, mentally, emotionally…you name it.  And there are days when I’m ready to sit down and say, “I’m done with this!”  The other day I actually told Dave that I “just feel like I can’t stand up anymore”.  The load is so heavy…

Then last night at church, our Associate Pastor, Bro. Chuck was preaching on prayer and praying for others.  One of the texts that he had us turn to was Luke 22:24 – 38.  As many times as I have read those verses, for the first time I saw this:

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”  verses 31 - 32

As we read this, David and I looked at each other.  Without speaking, we were both thinking the same thing!  And when we got home we talked about how we wondered if that was what was going on with us.  Are we being sifted?  Are we being refined?  (Zechariah 13:9) 

Our pastor went on to point out that when something is sifted, it is to remove the chaff or the debris.  So if we are being sifted, then the debris is being removed.  I can not tell you how that gives me hope -hope here in the midst of trials.  Because if there is one thing I can tell you about these past two years it is this:  I have seen the good and the bad in myself.  I am ashamed that I still have some of the ugly sinfulness in me and it has come to light over these past two years.  And as much as I don’t enjoy being sifted, I am glad to know that it is for my good.  It is to remove the chaff…the sin that I  hold on to.  My prayer is that I will be quick and open to the changes that are being made in me. 

But did you see the next part of the verse?  Jesus prayed for Simon.  We are not alone!  Our Savior cares for us!  We are not alone in this fight.  For that I am very thankful.

Now, I am putting this out there on my blog.  It is out there for anyone in the world to see.  And I can honestly say that I feel better.  I really do.  I do ask that you pray for my family.  We could use prayers of renewal, rest, revival (which has all ready begun in our hearts! Yay!) and openness to God’s will in our lives.  Oh, and wisdom…always in need of wisdom. 

And if you have verses of encouragement, I would love to hear them.  I have two that I cling to but I would love to hear of others.  (Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28)

This is a very long, pictureless post and I realize that is very hard to read but if you made it this far, thank you.  God bless you…Adriane